Yesterday, I attempted (rather un-wisely) to cover everything Proverbs has to say about the marriage relationship, as well as give a cultural context for marriage in Ancient Israel compared to now, and even trace some of the trajectories that started in the Proverbial observations through the Apostle Paul and into the present day about singleness. Oh, and tie the living metaphor of marriage to the invisible reality of Christ and the church and therefore practice some intimacy through communion. We don't have the sermon uploaded yet, but when we do, I'll post a link.
For the many single people who were in the audience (and the single people who listen online), I apologize for trying to do too much in the message, because the important "trajectory" that I wanted to trace as an encouragement to you was far too rushed and missed some important points. These are conclusions that are available to anyone who calmly observes a handful of marriages, as well as clearly studying Proverbs' (and 1 Corinthians') teachings on marriage:
To begin with, Proverbs talks a lot about the "contentious wife." She is quarrelsome, fretful, and argumentative. To slow her down, according to 27:15-16, is like trying to stop the wind or grasp oil in your hand. Now, nearly everyone gets contentious once in a while; this is talking about those who are contentious as a point of character: constantly, repeatedly, naturally disagreeing to everything first, rarely trusting of her (or his) spouse. The basic observation is: life with her (or him) is really bad. It would be better to live on the corner of a rooftop (25:24), or in a desert (21:19) than with her. Poverty, the wise observer notes, is better than riches with constant bickering and arguing. It is important to note, here, that Proverbs does not give license for divorce; rather, these observations are to serve as "wake up calls" for those couples living in contention. Peaceful, kind, loving, and respectful ways of interacting can be learned.
With all that in mind, what "trajectory" is this starting? By the time Paul was offering wisdom to the early Christians, especially in 1 Corinthians, he was instructing the single or widowed believers that it was better NOT to get married (1 Cor 7:8-35). Ancient Israel may have expected basically everyone to be married, but Paul swims against the stream. How did he get there? I think it starts with the observations of Proverbs.
The contentious wife observations are a flashing neon sign saying to singles: "DON'T SETTLE! DON'T MARRY JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LONELY!" I am 29, and I have already seen several of my peers' marriages fall apart because contentiousness took over in their relationship. Every one of them has said to me: it is miserable and they wish they had never married.
Let's take it a step further: Some marry because they so longed to have sex that they were willing to marry anyone. For those who have chosen purity in their singleness, I applaud you, AND I urge you to resist the message of our culture that says sex is so good that it's worth marrying someone you have trouble relating to because you want to have it. For men and women alike, sex is an apex in the mountain range of intimacy, but like any apex, you must climb the rest of the mountain to get there. In other words: sex without emotional and spiritual intimacy is NOT fulfilling... no matter how loudly our culture (and your hormonal impulse) shouts that it is. In other words: some people are burning with desire, as Paul says (see below) and should get married, but I believe many people are merely tricked by the sexual zeitgeist ("spirit of the age") to THINK they are burning with desire... when the Lord's best for you is actually to be single. Why would that be his best?
1 Corinthians 7 highlights a prioritization in these questions that is worth repeating here: Paul teaches that it is easier to be a messenger of the gospel if you are single, as marriage introduces responsibilities that single people don't have to worry about. In other words, the communication of the gospel is more important than marriage. No matter what the fear-mongers say about how fast other religions are pro-creating, let us hear Paul clearly: it is better to pro-create spiritually than biologically. BUT, the gospel hinges on the purity of the messenger - that is the way of Jesus, who communicated the kingdom most effectively in his pure life and sacrificial death. What that means is that because the gospel is more important than marriage, purity is more important than efficient gospel communication, because without purity the gospel cannot be effectively communicated. Or in Paul's words: if you are burning with desire, go ahead and get married.
This line of thinking should impact Church leadership decisions, too. Some of the wisest people in church communities are the mature single people, those who for any number of reasons never married, and therefore have grown very deep and intimate relationships with Jesus and with others in the Christian community. Some Protestants are tricked to believe that marriage is a sign of maturity (forgetting that Jesus and Paul were bachelors all their lives... would you NOT let Paul be an elder in your church?). I am very happy that our church has often had mature single people on the Session (the "elder board"), and I hope we never get deceived by the evangelical cult of marriage that says we shouldn't.
These are the points that did not get made very clearly about the Wisdom of Singleness in my sermon yesterday. Thank God for blogs and other media that give frustrated preachers like me a chance to patch the holes!
For the many single people who were in the audience (and the single people who listen online), I apologize for trying to do too much in the message, because the important "trajectory" that I wanted to trace as an encouragement to you was far too rushed and missed some important points. These are conclusions that are available to anyone who calmly observes a handful of marriages, as well as clearly studying Proverbs' (and 1 Corinthians') teachings on marriage:
To begin with, Proverbs talks a lot about the "contentious wife." She is quarrelsome, fretful, and argumentative. To slow her down, according to 27:15-16, is like trying to stop the wind or grasp oil in your hand. Now, nearly everyone gets contentious once in a while; this is talking about those who are contentious as a point of character: constantly, repeatedly, naturally disagreeing to everything first, rarely trusting of her (or his) spouse. The basic observation is: life with her (or him) is really bad. It would be better to live on the corner of a rooftop (25:24), or in a desert (21:19) than with her. Poverty, the wise observer notes, is better than riches with constant bickering and arguing. It is important to note, here, that Proverbs does not give license for divorce; rather, these observations are to serve as "wake up calls" for those couples living in contention. Peaceful, kind, loving, and respectful ways of interacting can be learned.
With all that in mind, what "trajectory" is this starting? By the time Paul was offering wisdom to the early Christians, especially in 1 Corinthians, he was instructing the single or widowed believers that it was better NOT to get married (1 Cor 7:8-35). Ancient Israel may have expected basically everyone to be married, but Paul swims against the stream. How did he get there? I think it starts with the observations of Proverbs.
The contentious wife observations are a flashing neon sign saying to singles: "DON'T SETTLE! DON'T MARRY JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE LONELY!" I am 29, and I have already seen several of my peers' marriages fall apart because contentiousness took over in their relationship. Every one of them has said to me: it is miserable and they wish they had never married.
Let's take it a step further: Some marry because they so longed to have sex that they were willing to marry anyone. For those who have chosen purity in their singleness, I applaud you, AND I urge you to resist the message of our culture that says sex is so good that it's worth marrying someone you have trouble relating to because you want to have it. For men and women alike, sex is an apex in the mountain range of intimacy, but like any apex, you must climb the rest of the mountain to get there. In other words: sex without emotional and spiritual intimacy is NOT fulfilling... no matter how loudly our culture (and your hormonal impulse) shouts that it is. In other words: some people are burning with desire, as Paul says (see below) and should get married, but I believe many people are merely tricked by the sexual zeitgeist ("spirit of the age") to THINK they are burning with desire... when the Lord's best for you is actually to be single. Why would that be his best?
1 Corinthians 7 highlights a prioritization in these questions that is worth repeating here: Paul teaches that it is easier to be a messenger of the gospel if you are single, as marriage introduces responsibilities that single people don't have to worry about. In other words, the communication of the gospel is more important than marriage. No matter what the fear-mongers say about how fast other religions are pro-creating, let us hear Paul clearly: it is better to pro-create spiritually than biologically. BUT, the gospel hinges on the purity of the messenger - that is the way of Jesus, who communicated the kingdom most effectively in his pure life and sacrificial death. What that means is that because the gospel is more important than marriage, purity is more important than efficient gospel communication, because without purity the gospel cannot be effectively communicated. Or in Paul's words: if you are burning with desire, go ahead and get married.
This line of thinking should impact Church leadership decisions, too. Some of the wisest people in church communities are the mature single people, those who for any number of reasons never married, and therefore have grown very deep and intimate relationships with Jesus and with others in the Christian community. Some Protestants are tricked to believe that marriage is a sign of maturity (forgetting that Jesus and Paul were bachelors all their lives... would you NOT let Paul be an elder in your church?). I am very happy that our church has often had mature single people on the Session (the "elder board"), and I hope we never get deceived by the evangelical cult of marriage that says we shouldn't.
These are the points that did not get made very clearly about the Wisdom of Singleness in my sermon yesterday. Thank God for blogs and other media that give frustrated preachers like me a chance to patch the holes!
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